There’s no place like home…?
This is a theme that has been coming to mind a lot lately since moving “back” to California after living in Sweden with my husband for 3 years. I’ve been blessed to have traveled a lot and I even studied abroad in England for a year but even after that time when I came back home to California I still could settle back in to my Southern California routines and ways without feeling too foreign but of course I always left part of my heart in every country I visited.
When I met the love of my life and moved to Sweden after our wedding I could have never guessed how different it would be to actually live in another country. To be completely physically removed from all the influences of my native land. When I studied in England I got by a lot easier since I was in an English speaking country and surrounded by other Americans but in Sweden I would go months before talking to a fellow native English speaker.
It took me a long time to feel “at home” in Sweden, even when we finally got our own apartment it didn’t feel real because at that point we were in the midst of Jonas’ green card process and we had to live very minimally so we could never really make our place feel “homey.”
Very shortly after moving to California we went to see “The Wizard of Oz” on the big screen in Norco (Horse Town USA) for my sister’s birthday near. So of course I had to do a day (parasol) to night (cardigan) outfit inspired by Dorothy, but in my own country goth western style…and complete with my own ruby red flats!
The final words of the movie that Dorothy speaks to her loved ones after her adventure struck me differently than ever before…
“Toto, we’re home! Home! And this is my room – and you’re all here! And I’m not going to leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all! And – Oh, Auntie Em, THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!”
Normally I would be crying at this point and feeling warm fuzzy feelings…but I didn’t. I dawned on me that I’ve become disillusioned to the feeling of home. I think I had felt this way for some time but never put it into a thought until this and ever since it’s been something really heavy on my heart and try as I might, clicking my heels together has no effect…
I’m not sure if Jonas & I will ever be able to find that feeling of home again since one of us will always be missing where they are from and their loved ones. People have tried to cheer us up with cliches like, “Home Is Where The Heart Is”…I know they mean well but it feels like they can’t understand what it feels like if they can say that and believe it.
Of course my heart is always with Jonas and his with mine, but there was a period where we felt like there was something wrong with our marriage since we couldn’t just “feel at home” no matter where we were together. Phrases like that can be true for some but doesn’t have to be the standard for all. I always feel safe and loved wherever I am with Jonas but I’ve felt so free ever since I stopped putting guilt on myself and accepted that our path is different and it might take us a long time going down the yellow brick road to find a place where we both feel at home.
In no way do I mean any disrespect to our friends and family in our native countries, it’s just a phenomenon that is difficult to understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself. I wouldn’t trade my experiences and adventures abroad but sometimes I find myself envying families who don’t have their heart scattered over the world in little pieces. I’m sure somewhere over the rainbow Jonas & I will find our corner of the world where we can put down our roots and call someplace home, but for the time being we’re trying to enjoy this part of the journey.
I apologize for the series nature of this post but I felt like I needed to put these feelings into a blog post in hopes of helping someone else out there who may feel the same! We are still figuring this all out but I will keep believe that there is hope and even if I never get that feeling of home again, I’m happy to be on this adventure of life I’m on!
Bye For Now,
-Lindsay of Sheaves